The Hate Machine Cast of Characters

An almost-complete guide to your favorite and not-so-favorite Hate Machine characters!

 
Cadet Squadron 42 Fightin' Ostriches
 
 
Kurt
Interests: corn
Roommate: Mac
Favorite word: "Fuck"
Voice: mojo
 
   
   
 
Harvey
Interests: Veronica
Roommate: BJ
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Leonard
Pet: Clubby the seal
Roommate: Unknown
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
John "Mac" Makahini'ilimauialikalahikakiliwanalikiahai
Roommate: Kurt
Jersey #999
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Billy Ray Hewitt
Interests: the military
Roommate: Felix
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
B.J.
Favorite Posession: Jean Claude Van Damme back massager
Roommate: Harvey
Voice: mojo
 
   
   
 
Felix
Interests: his MPA, kissing ass
Roommate: Billy Ray
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Rashawn Clinton
Interests: microbrews, political science
Roommate: Danté
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Danté Kerr
Interests: basketball, inner-city gangs
Roommate: Rashawn
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Sgt. Robot
[DECEASED]
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Major Sonny Dunkel
CS-42 Air Officer Commanding
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Veronica
Roommate: Sam
Voice: Gina Ryder
 
   
   
 
Sam
Roommate: Veronica
Voice: N/A
 
   
   
 
Toner
Finishes people's...
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
    Sounderson
Also finishes people's...
Voice: -PING!-
 
         
 
Smack
(They all look the same to us)
Interests: Avoiding upperclassmen, hanging out at Arnold Hall, trying to get transferred to one of USAFA's normal kooshy squadrons
Doesn't know the response to "Carry On"
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Cadet Fourth Class Handy
Fulfills CS-42's "differently abled" quota
Holds the USAFA pushup record
Voice: N/A
 
   
   
 
[Unknown]
Roommate: Leonard
Voice: N/A
 
   
   
 
Clubby
Owner: Leonard
Voice: N/A
 
 
Cadet Squadron 43 Stealth Force
 
 
Major Collins
CS-42 Air Officer Commanding
Interests: anally self-pleasuring
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Talon
Token cracker
Interests: smoking crack
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Jet
Token oriental whore
Interests: slutting around, giving it up
Voice: Susan Grant ('82)
 
   
   
 
Sanchez
Token Mexican
Interests: shooting up, reacharounds
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Ratchet
Token hick
Interests: smoking Sanchez's pole
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Doc
Token black female
Interests: self-medicating
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Blue
Token canine
Interests: licking his own genitalia
Voice: N/A
 
   
   
 
Crunch
[DECEASED]
Token black male
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Munch
[DECEASED]
Token dyke
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Zanax
Token extra-terrestrial
Voice: -PING!-
 
 
Cogs in the Machine
 
  (Brigadier/Major) General Goerbels
Minister of Propoganda, USAF
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Major Major
General Goerbels' assboy
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Recruiting Officer
Purveyor of propoganda
Voice: N/A
 
       
  "Bitch Airman"
Works in registrar's office
Voice: N/A
 
       
  Chuck "Chops" Buster
[DECEASED]
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Mr. Gladhand
[DECEASED]
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  TSgt "Hey"
Interests: Falcon football
Favorite word: "Hey"
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Harvey's Old AOC
CS-40 Air Officer Commanding
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Dentist
Voice: -PING!-
 
 
On the Hill
 
  Random Cadet
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
 

Dead Cadet
[DECEASED]
Killed by Stealth Force during "routine training mission"
Voice: N/A

 
       
  Instructor Pilot 1
[DECEASED]
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Instructor Pilot 2
[DECEASED]
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Instructor Pilot 3
[DECEASED]
Voice: -PING!-
 
         
  Falconeer
[DECEASED]
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Tom Servo
Temporary replacement for Sgt. Robot
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Crow
Temporary replacement for Sgt. Robot
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Bumblebee
Temporary replacement for Sgt. Robot
Voice: -PING!-
 
         
    Robocop
Temporary replacement for Sgt. Robot
Voice: N/A
 
         
    ED-209
Temporary replacement for Sgt. Robot
Voice: N/A
 
         
    Deer
They all look the same to us
Voice: N/A
 
         
    Jack
Voice: -PING!-
 
 
Behind Bars
 
 
Warden
[DECEASED]
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Prison guard #1
Purveyor of foreshadowing
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Prison guard #2
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Sgt Pepper
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Paco
[DECEASED]
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Pablo
[DECEASED]
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
John Coffey
[DECEASED]
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Hannibal Lecter
[DECEASED]
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Hamburglar
[DECEASED]
Favorite word: "Robble"
Voice: -PING!-
 
   
   
 
Juanito
Voice: N/A
 
 
On the Tube
 
  Rip Russell
eNN correspondent
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Trial TV Judge
Convicted Sgt Robot to death
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Trial TV Bailiff
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Trial TV Lawyer
Tried Sgt Robot
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Prosecuting Attorney
Tried Mr. E
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Jury Foreman
Found Mr. E to be not guilty, more or less
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Trial TV Announcer
Interests: Cocaine, homosexuality
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Marine
Kills: 3
Voice: N/A
 
       
 

Private
[POW]
Life expectancy: 1/2 hour
Voice: -PING!-

 
       
  James Hetfield
Interests: Covering shitty music, sucking
Voice: mojo
 
       
  Gary Coleman
Appears in TV's Diff'rent Strokes: The Next Generation
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Jerry Lewis
Appears on the Jerry Lewis Channel 24-7
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Priest
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Boy
Honorary executioner
Voice: N/A
 
       
  "Dr." Desmond Van Zorn
Corn "Expert"
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Senator Roger Grumblemeyer
U.S. Senator from Nebraska (R)
Favorite word: "Children"
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  "Mr. E"
Corn User/Abuser
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Hispanic-American Mexican
BLT King victim
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Antonio Sopraño
BLT King victim
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Carmelita Sopraño
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Dr. Milfa
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Junior Sopraño
Pronounced "Hoon-yor"
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  El Chakal de Trompeta
Annoying Mexican TV character
Voice: N/A
 
       
  Darth Vader
Lord of the Sith
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Luke Skywalker
Fool
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Maxx Tracker
Tough cop with a keen sense of sight and taste
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Trixi
Specialty: Enhancing
Voice: Meghan the Playboy Model
 
       
  Vito Baldwin
One of many in the Baldwin cluster
Voice: N/A
 
         
    Big Daddy Don
The local weatherman
Voice: -PING!-
 
 
Over the Fence
 
  Recruitee
Voice: N/A
 
       
  BLT King
Voice: N/A
 
       
  Dan
BLT King employee
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Dirty Cooter
Local business owner
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Wookiee
[DECEASED]
Russian cosmonaut
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Ted Offerson
[DECEASED]
Leonard's Sponsor
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Sue Offerson
[DECEASED]
Leonard's Sponsor
Voice: Ali the Hooters Manager
 
       
  Sarah Offerson
[DECEASED]
Leonard's Sponsor
Voice: Ali the Hooters Manager
 
       
  Jake Offerson
[DECEASED]
Leonard's Sponsor
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Debra Flinn
Leonard's New Sponsor
Voice: Ali the Hooters Manager
 
       
  Emmanuel Lewis
Offersons' neighbor
Voice: N/A
 
       
  Kurt's Sponsor
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Kurt's Sponsor's Wife
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Rashawn's Sponsor
[DECEASED]
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Harvey's Male Sponsor
Voice: -PING!-
 
       
  Harvey's Female Sponsor
Voice: -PING!-
 
 
The Enemy
 
  Casier Chargé
Leader of the anti-American faction of the French Canadian rebels
Voice: N/A
 
       
  Hijacker 1
[DECEASED]
Voice: N/A
 
       
  Hijacker 2
[DECEASED]
Voice: N/A
 
       
  Hijacker 3
[DECEASED]
Voice: -PING!-
 
 


Questions? Comments? Concerns? Gripes? Complaints? Inquiries? Problems? Uncertainties? Doubts? Queries? Remarks? Commentary? Explanations? Additions? Retractions? Anxieties? Worries? Observations? Clarifications? Interpretations? Statements? Greviances? Criticisms? Protests? Qualms? Reservations? Fears? Suspicions? Bellyaches? Accompaniments? Embellishments? Add-ons? Riders?
Write to -PING!-